


a love that we won't get right

by quixhaotic



Category: ENHYPEN (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe, Ambiguous Relationships, Angst, Complicated Relationships, Friends With Benefits, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Introspection, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Non-Linear Narrative, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-13 06:14:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29024040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quixhaotic/pseuds/quixhaotic
Summary: "So you're just fuck buddies." Niki once said before sipping from his mug of hot chocolate. Somehow both his words and his drink seem more offending than they should be, but Sunghoon didn't point those out."Something like that."
Relationships: Park Jongseong | Jay & Park Sunghoon, Park Jongseong | Jay/Park Sunghoon
Comments: 10
Kudos: 51





	a love that we won't get right

**Author's Note:**

> this fic was written during times between 2-6 am, which i think is enough to explain why it's all over the place—it was just supposed to be 800 words of angsty gay sex but idk what happened and then here we are.
> 
> i've been working on this for months now and needed to get some of it out there or else my soul's never gonna quiet down knowing it's just sitting in my drafts collecting dust. also, i haven't posted anything on this account since forever because of a ton of reasons and i really missed the feeling of finally showing something that took me time and effort to make to people who could care enough to read it.
> 
> please do be mindful of the tags, though personally i think most of them sound worse than what's on the story itself. if you would like to talk about this fic with me or ask me stuff about it, please feel free to contact me through my twitter account @quixhaotic_ao3, i'll try my best to reply to you the soonest i can.
> 
> gentle reminder that this is merely a fan fiction and that the scenes depicted are not real and accurate, though i did try to make the characterization coherent but also consistent with the events transpiring in the narrative.
> 
> lastly, BIG THANKS to raphael and dawn for the emotional support, for figuratively holding my hand while i whacked my own brain over this story and screamed at them on randoms hours of the day. i wouldn't have pursued writing this fic without their encouragement.
> 
> so, *clears throat* without further ado, happy reading! (人 •͈ᴗ•͈)
> 
> [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/37UaTZrNhr6Mopb6WPiH5l?si=FBHQviXzSZ--FTLeWLmvrw)

_Oh, baby I think we both know_

_This is a love that we won't get right_

_Still if you said that you want it_

_I know I'll always have one more try_

“Five minutes,” Jay rasps. “Sunghoon, five minutes.”

It falls on deaf ears, it always does. Unlike Jay, Sunghoon couldn't care less about his own parents arriving in five minutes to discuss something with him. Unlike Jay who concerns himself with anything and everything because he can't help it, Sunghoon only focuses on things he wants to focus on. As of the moment, it's Jay’s collarbones.

“Park Sung— _ ah _ —for fuck’s sake, they're coming.” Jay's hands are practically shaking with how hard he's grabbing Sunghoon’s shoulders. It almost seems as if he can't decide whether to put some distance between them or pull Sunghoon closer than their bodies would allow. This amuses Sunghoon to no end. There's something grand about eliciting any sort of physical reaction from Jay. Sometimes it feels like a challenge of sorts; something he has to work hard for, a result he has to  _ earn _ . On any other day, Jay’s just his stoic personal bodyguard shadowing him everywhere he goes. 

“Sunghoon,” Sunghoon thinks it's melodious, the staccato of Jay’s breaths against his ear. He wants more of it,  _ all of it _ , so he leans forward and presses their lips together. He feels Jay’s whine in his mouth more than he hears it, and he smiles with the knowledge that he's the one who's making Jay like this.

That he's the only one who can make Jay like this.

  * ••



Jay doesn't understand.

It's not like Sunghoon could blame him. He doesn't expect him to understand even though he wants him to, so he doesn't really have the right to be as disappointed as he is. Simply put, Jay is a personal bodyguard his parents hired for him—a personal bodyguard he now pins on walls of empty corridors and makes out with on limousine back seats. Their arrangement is simple: they're both in their early twenties and they both do not shy away from exploring their own sexualities and they both like the way their mouths slot together like puzzle pieces. Sunghoon is very particular with the things he wants, and seeing Jay crumble in his arms like a house of cards is one of them. Jay hates things that jeopardise his morals and beliefs, but he always finds himself making an exception for Sunghoon.

They were never really friends. It's more of a boss-and-employee-that-occasionally-hook-up-because-it's-convenient sort of relationship than anything, and neither acknowledged nor acted on the fact that they're clearly destined for something bigger. 

“So you're just fuck buddies.” Niki once said before sipping from his mug of hot chocolate. Somehow both his words and his drink seem more offending than they should be, but Sunghoon didn't point those out.

“Something like that.”

  * ••



Sunghoon ignored Jay for the first three days since he started his job. He likes to think there wasn't a particular reason as to why he behaved the way he did, but he knows that Jay knows how  _ unnecessary _ he thought having a bodyguard was. 

“I can take care of myself.” were his first words to Jay, blurted out in mild irritation when Jay attempted to tail after him to the restroom of a restaurant. He's well aware that the guy was just trying to do his job, but there's something unnerving about hearing faint footsteps behind you wherever you go. And he's just going to take a piss for crying out loud.

“Your dad told me you'd say that.” Sunghoon’s next step falters, but it was barely noticeable. Jay sounds different from how he remembers him monotonously introducing himself as his new bodyguard. He gives him a short glance, mentally compliments his sharp eyes and even sharper jawline. His steps are lighter now, slower, allowing Jay to step in next to him and mirror his pace.

_ You smell nice _ , he wants to say, but his mind supplies him with reasons upon reasons why he shouldn't. 

“Of course he did.”

  * ••



“Marriage?” Sunghoon wants to laugh. Of course this is going to be how his life goes. It's not like it's the first time he's heard about it, but this is the first time that he's actually _ included  _ in the conversation and his parents are pretending to want to know his thoughts about it despite the underlying fact that they have already made up their minds. Sunghoon wants to laugh, but the sound dies down in his throat when he looks to his side and sees Jay’s closed off expression. There's something so distant and impersonal about it that makes him feel emotions too complicated for words. He doesn't like the way Jay looks right now.

“She'll make a wonderful partner.” Jay looks nothing like how he did barely two minutes ago: breathless and quivering with only Sunghoon’s arms keeping him from falling limp on the floor because he feels too good it's insane. Jay looks like there aren't marks meticulously hidden underneath his clothes—marks that Sunghoon had put there, marks that would last for days. Jay’s not looking at him at all.

“I bet she would.”

  * ••



Jay doesn't understand.

However, Sunghoon sometimes deludes himself into thinking he does. He thinks Jay understands when he looks at Sunghoon and knows exactly what mood he's in and what he should do about it. Jay learned how to read Sunghoon like an open book, learned to do whatever it is he wants him to do without needing to hear the words. It could be a talent for all Sunghoon knows, since it's only Jay who sees through him so well. It used to be his childhood best friend Jaeyoon, but it's been ten years since he moved to Australia with his family, and they're different people leading different lives now. Occasionally, Sunghoon wonders how his own parents never saw and regarded things from his perspective the way Jay does, the way Jaeyoon did. Things, he thinks, would've been drastically different.

Here's the thing: Sunghoon doesn't really like talking much, doesn't like having to explain himself. Jay doesn't force him to talk, doesn't demand him to explain. 

Sunghoon sometimes deludes himself into thinking Jay completely understands.

  * ••



In retrospect, Sunghoon doesn't really have a thing for the unconventional aspect of sex, and he doesn't think he ever will. Looking at Jay right now: hands bound by a silk tie above his head, eyes blindfolded and mouth gagged by another silk tie—he, however, deems it  _ necessary _ . Ever since his parents left his penthouse half an hour ago after dropping the marriage bomb on him like it was just a random conversation about the weather, he wanted nothing more than to get his mind off of it. When he cupped Jay’s face and tilted it up for a kiss, he didn't expect him to turn the other way, take a step back, and declare that he'll be guarding by the door—he had stopped doing that  _ long ago _ . Sunghoon's throat is suddenly too dry for words, like he just screamed at the top of his lungs. He wants to call out Jay’s name, call him back, but when he shapes  _ Jay-ah _ in his mouth it feels like an uncomfortable weight pushing his tongue down. And so Sunghoon makes a second attempt by reaching for his wrist, hoping this time Jay  _ understands _ , but instead he tucks his hands in the pockets of his slacks, turns around, and starts walking towards the door. When he goes after him, third attempt, exasperation now clearer by the creases on his forehead, Jay says “You're going to get married, Park Sunghoon.” like it explains and answers everything.

So Sunghoon deems tying up, blindfolding, and gagging Jay necessary. 

“Look at you,” it's not what he wants to say yet he still says it, tracing the outline of Jay’s waist with delicate fingers—aerial, but branding nonetheless. Jay’s body arches to the touch, chases the contact with unmasked desperation, sense of touch significantly amplified without his sight. His entire face is flushed, and his chest heaves with how hard he's breathing through his nose. Sunghoon revels in the metronome beat of it, visual proof that Jay's just as affected as he feels.

“So beautiful.” Sunghoon places a hand on Jay’s chest, right above his heart, and pushes him back down on the mattress. Jay always claims he doesn't like being called beautiful or pretty or cute, but right now his heart hammers against Sunghoon’s palm, a blatant contradiction. He likes Jay best like this: a little breathless, a little too desperate, control damned and discarded. Sunghoon wishes if only Jay could be as honest as his body, among other things. He thinks—well, he's not really sure. He wants—and that is objectively much more taxing to think of. But when Jay moans through the gag and arches his back when Sunghoon thrusts inside him, he thinks,  _ ah _ . 

Warmth, he feels pleasant warmth spread from inside him, overriding everything he's been feeling mere moments before he had Jay tied up on his bed. His movements falter, and he finds himself staring dumbfoundedly at the man underneath him, now pliant and receptive of anything he has to give. Words finally catch up to feelings, clear as day and so, so real.

_ I'm in love with him. I'm so in love with him that I think I might actually fucking die. _

He chuckles at the sudden realization despite himself, and it feels a lot like a strong backhanded slap across his face.

  * ••



Sunghoon didn't believe in love—well, not in the kind of way that it seems to find other people. He likes to think he's the kind of person who's well-attuned to his own emotions, and he knows he's never felt the romantic sort of love for anyone in his life. Crushes, sure. Infatuation? Of course. However, love?

Love, where you offer your heart to another person, sometimes without knowing if they'd ever do the same for you. Love, where someone's happiness is invariably essential to your own. Where there's a certain unexplainable connection between two people, where the other person knows about all the things you love and hate about yourself and takes you for everything you are and aren't. Love that supposedly makes you want to spend the rest of eternity with that person. A feeling so profound it doesn't even have a definite definition that everyone can just accept, but despite its complexity people still chase after it,  _ crave _ it.

No, Sunghoon didn't think love was for him.

But this time his own heart proved him otherwise.

  * ••



Jay doesn't understand.

He doesn't spare Sunghoon a glance as he fixes his tie in front of Sunghoon’s mirror, pulling his collar higher because Sunghoon left marks on places Jay specifically asked him countless times not to. He's mad, and rightfully so. Sunghoon wants to apologize, feels the shame and guilt gnawing at his insides relentlessly, but he knows Jay well enough to know that talking to him right now won't be the ideal course of action. So he wordlessly watches Jay shrug his coat back on and step into his shoes, checking himself in the mirror again to make sure not a strand of hair is out of place. Or maybe just so he could have something else to do instead of addressing what just happened.

Sunghoon feels so misunderstood, so helpless. He doesn't expect Jay to understand, but he  _ wants _ him to. He has no idea how to verbalize that thought.

“Jay-ah,” he begins, but he doesn't quite know what to say next. He just sits there on the edge of his bed, feeling much like a helpless child at a loss of words, unable to explain his own side of things. Jay sighs, turns around and meets his gaze. For the second time this evening, he looks distant and impersonal as he quietly stares Sunghoon down, and it’s simultaneously everything and nothing and it's just—

“Jongseong,” Sunghoon’s voice breaks, and he hates how vulnerable he sounds and feels, but he doesn't avert his gaze because as of the moment it's only Jay’s eyes on him that's keeping him grounded. He can't focus on anything else; he doesn't think he could even if he tried.

Jay’s gaze softens—there's something grand about eliciting any sort of reaction from Jay. Right now he looks forgiving— _ just like that _ , eyes sparkling with something akin to acceptance, and it's what prompts Sunghoon to cry in front of him. He raises a hand, harshly wipes away his own tears in petulance, but they just keep coming. He can't focus, a plethora of emotions simultaneously making themselves known within him, demanding he acknowledge them. 

“I don't fucking know why I'm crying.” He gasps the words out, and his lungs ache at the effort, like there're hands wrapped around his throat and constricting his airways. He likes to think that he's the type of person who is well attuned to his own emotions, but right now...

He truly doesn't know—he often finds it impossible to wrap his head around the existence of emotions and why people need to go through all the troubles of feeling them. Is he angry? Sad? Disappointed? Hopeless? Tired? Maybe a bit of all those and more, which is overwhelming, to say the least. Sunghoon prefers focusing on things he wants to focus on. And right now, as Jay’s cupping his face with warm and gentle hands, everything else that isn't touching him feels nonexistent.

“It's going to be okay.” Jay whispers, and Sunghoon doesn't have it in him to argue anymore. Just like that, Jay is accepting the new reality they're facing, like there's no use defending what they currently have. Like there was nothing to fight for in the first place.

“You're going to be okay, Sunghoon.” There're lips pressed against his forehead. And it's so gentle that it makes him want to cry again.

“I'm here for you.” It’s spoken softly but it feels harsh,  _ final _ , and it makes him recoil a bit. It's not what he wants to hear from Jay, but he doesn't admit this out loud. He doesn't want Jay backing him up while he accepts the situation that's been thrust at his face—he wants Jay to be just as against it as he is. 

The determination blazing in Jay's eyes prevents him from saying what he wants to say. Moreover, he thinks, he's not really in any position to demand more from someone who's just supposed to be his bodyguard. One could say that he brought this upon himself, and he couldn't really argue with that.

He nods weakly, words failing him.

Jay really doesn't understand.


End file.
